Saturday, March 08, 2008

Mundane Mediocrity

Kekda Man and Chirkut Lady had been conspicuous by their absence for quite some time now. Socialites in high profile parties had already started speculating about their much documented reconciliation. “Have they split up again?” wondered a few of the gossip mongers. Unfortunately, the publicists of both the concerned parties had refrained from confirming or denying any of the speculations, much to the dismay of the junta at large. Even Cheekat Aadmi (the instigator of the hugely propagandized tiff in The Episode of The Giant Gila Strut Monsters) had been interviewed at least a dozen times. Meanwhile, SleepingTablets was employing all its sleuthing tactics in order to lay bare the facts which had become the talk of the galaxy. It eavesdropped on a seemingly innocent looking electronic conversation and unearthed striking revelations about the current status of the relationship between Kekda and Chirkut. Here’s an exclusive account of the gup-shup. We let the reader be the judge.

Glossary of Galactic Terms (For First Timers)

Kekda Man and Chirkut Lady – We all know who THEY are. They are the very dangerous Kekda Man (from Boomerang Galaxy) and the very irritating Chirkut Lady (from Bugster Cluster). Obviously.

Languages - Batak Toba, Inuktitut, and Hutsi are all galactic languages, very much like our Hindi, English, and Marathi.

Space-Port – This contraption is somewhat on the lines of an airport, with the only difference being that it caters to space ships instead of airplanes.

State of the Art Aquamarine Clux - 5 Start Ship - Abey PSPO nahin jaante kya?


Kekda Man – Why are you waiting at the space-port? I could have sent over my state of the art aquamarine Clux 5 Star Ship to pick you up. This confirms my doubts about you having no brains at all. I think.

Chirkut Lady – Uff!! You won’t understand. Forget it. Uhmm…Well let me try explaining. The space-port here is so white you know. It’s like all white. Unlike the one in Bugster Cluster or Boomerang Galaxy. And the people are so interesting. They look at you even if you clear your throat. How romantic is that?

Chirkut Lady

Kekda – Very. I find it vaguely arousing. Some people are probably making out in the washrooms, and plausibly there is a painter etching it all on his canvas. What are you doing anyway? Hasn’t the space ship landed yet?

Chirkut – You ask a lot of questions uncle. I don’t have the energy to either reply or argue. So I will keep it short. The ship is running way too late. I am very tired and very sleepy. And this place is bugging me with its incessant announcements about flights that don’t even remotely sound like mine. I feel like screaming. Very loud.

Kekda – That was a very long sentence. And it was in a language I am not very comfortable with. Do you mind switching over to Batak Toba? I have a hunch the emotions will flow way more freely, from me to you and vice versa.

Chirkut – Don’t talk rubbish. I know you understand Inuktitut very well. Hey…I just noticed. There’s chewing gum stuck to the chair in front of me. It’s very green and very light.

Kekda – Oh. The Gums. I KNOW the space authorities have deliberately stuck gum behind each of their chairs. You are supposed to actually eat them. It’s a very environmental approach. People get intrigued by the “very green and very light” gums and start chewing them. This way they don’t talk too much and mind their own business. Go ahead. Give it a try. Tell me what it tastes like. Mine seemed like it had been dipped in a solution of vanilla mucus.

Chirkut – I am deciding not to buy that story. It’s amusing anyway. The space-port is all very white and clean. Yet, there has to be a gum stuck to the chair I have a full view of. I find it very poetic.

Kekda – Count me in the poetic rendezvous. Let’s make it a bit more interesting. Describe the person sitting next to you only if she is a female.

Chirkut – You na. She looks like a mum of two. I am quite sure both of you won’t be interested in each other.

Kekda – I seem to have run out of luck even since I set my eyes upon you. Why don’t you ever get the hint? Anyway, there has to be some decent looking specimens in the place you have come to like SO much.

Chirkut – I choose not to tell. Do you mind? There are people staring at me because I am yapping so much in a tongue they are not too comfortable with.

Kekda – I suppose you should start telling them how much you adore their “white palace”. But I have heard they are very regional in their thinking. So proclaim your love in Hutsi. They will all do their biggest grin, walk over, hug you, and ask you to visit again.

Kekda Man

Chirkut – Aha, I see. So that is how you get all those people to bash you up. Thanks a ton for the piece of advice. I’ll keep it in mind.

Kekda – I knew we had run out of humanity in our part of the galaxy. I just needed to be sure. I am now.

Chirkut – Baah. Humbug. It’s useless even talking to you. You don’t realize how much luggage I am towing. I am carrying 7 pairs of chappals right now. That too in one bag (which I had to buy for the same reason). My shoulders are aching and the bones might get dislocated any time now.

Kekda – Finally, you give me some good news. I guess you have finally managed what only the ants have been able to do – carry more stuff than your own weight. Maybe I’ll report you to the custom authorities and they’ll keep you behind bars for smuggling leather goods. I wonder if they take bribes.

Chirkut – Shhhh. I think that’s my flight they are blaring about.

Kekda – Nopes. You are dreaming. Sure of it.

Chirkut – Ok, I am off now. I have had enough of your crap. I think the spaceship has finally graced us with its presence. AND they don’t allow us to talk once we have boarded the thingy.

Kekda – Arey! Don’t let anyone tell you what to do aunt. Here’s a brainwave. Keep talking on the phone. Probably an air hostess will come over give you “the look”. Pay no attention dearie. Keep yapping. This will cause another (and more somber looking) stewardess to stride over. But that shouldn’t stop you from exercising your right to express yourself either. Keep jabbering until the pilot himself declares that it will be either your phone or him traveling this night. Even then, make sure to declare it was only out of decency that you decided to hang up.

Chirkut – Blah blah blah. Is that all you can come up with? Trash? Anyway, they have made the final boarding call. I better get going now. Say all the niceties you should. For instance, “have a nice flight”, “call me up on touching down” etc.

Kekda – Yeah, right!

With these comforting words Kekda hangs up on Chirkut. We are not very sure but almost all the guys here believe that Chirkut’s last words sounded somewhat like “Whaaaaaaaaa”, with a little more stress on the A’s than you would usually accord them. We tried snooping on the same frequency again. But to no avail. Our technical experts are working on it 24x7. As soon as we will hear from them, so will you.

So long, and thanks for all the chewing gum.


  1. Am quite positive that I posted a comment on the other post!!

    Long live the story of Kekda Man and Chirkut Lady!!!

    Kindly explain how did this came under the tag of humor???

  2. It has humour written ALL OVER IT. I couldn't help grinning throughout.

    The picture of the handsome Kekda Man, flatters his ass beautifully.

    I was wondering about the poetry in the chewing gum. My spies told me that's a fabrication and CL never said any such thing... but then I also heard KM is fervently buying books to try and upgrade his miniscule molecular brain to some level of normalcy (or other things who is to know...he doesn't want to reveal). Some things, irrespective of time and space don't change.

  3. and dare you demean my pangolins. Read this book: "Do ants have arseholes?" The humour is similar to the Hitchhiker's and may go above your head.

  4. My roommate read this and exclaimed 'Mast bak hai yeh!'.

    I agree.

  5. Pinky must have posted his comment while dreaming. If you don't get the humor, kindly ignore the tag.

    Woman should realize one takes liberties when it's "fiction". I am sure CL won't be too cross with me.

    Woman should thank me for putting up the pangolins on my esteemed and VERY popular blog. They will now get a lot more matches than they deserve. I am in no mood to buy any more books. Give and I'll read.

    Pandu should tell whether mast has negative connotations. Hmpff..

  6. Man needs to get a life. His imagination is waning (even before its prime). My pangolins are doing fine without your matrimonial services. About books, I heard someone "else" is into presenting them these days. Know him by any chance? haan haan?

  7. I shall make do with my limited imagination and further stunted vocabulary. You need to take care of your pangolins before they decide to mate with humans. Books? Whoever even looks at them? Baah. Humbug.

  8. Mast means mast. Nothing more and nothing less.

    And in your tags, kindly change humor to humour. You're not in the US of A. Not yet at least.

  9. heh heh Piper is SO right :D mazza aa gaya

  10. Look who's talking. Who's the one making rounds of certain ATMs and telling the chowkidaar who she is?